Wednesday, December 17, 2014

To Breathe One's Last.

I never know what to tell someone who is grieving from the loss of a loved one. How do you make someone feel better when someone they love has died.

No words seem appropriate, no words seem to do the trick. It is almost hopeless at that time. I just don't know what to say... except that I know how it feels, because I lost someone to death as well, heck, I almost lost myself to it once. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

Death is the eternal break up. We fight and we argue and we quarrel and we are bitter, and we hold grudges for years and years, and then suddenly it's all over. And there is nothing we can do about it. Death doesn't consider if someone loves you and they don't want you to go. It doesn't care if you have a million things to do before you are ready. It just takes, until nothing is left. That's probably the most helpless we can be in this world.

But what's amazing is that how easy it is to forget. How easy it is to completely dismiss the idea that any one of the people we hold so dear to us could be gone in the next second. How we can so quickly and eternally lose someone to something so trivial as a heart attack, a traffic accident, a senseless shooting, or even a suicide. To breathe, and not know it is your last.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Somewhere Only We Know.

I have been baking obsessively for the past few days. Cakes, and pies, and cupcakes and scones. My kitchen is full. I don't know what to do with them anymore. I have been keeping myself occupied to do something – anything – to not actually do what I am really supposed to do. But it just doesn't work that way – the more I try to avoid it, the more I am reminded of it.

 Love is not love when it ceases to bring happiness. The wait is making a fist in my heart and slowly hardening it. I am slowly losing my heart – not to someone but to a void. I know things happen in their own time. I know we must be patient. I waited and I waited and all it really did was slowly broke me. And I am afraid that when it really happens – if it happens – my heart won't be there anymore. The magic – gone. And what's the point without magic. Some things – you can't look at them the same way again once they are ruined. Some pieces you can't put back together. Some moments lose their charm before they happen. Our fates are in the hands of the things we love and sometimes those are the very things that destroy us.

There are a million ways I can destroy myself, and then there is love. Tonight I want to break and be consumed with all the things that I know I will not be able to recover from.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Little Bursts of Happiness

Little bursts of happiness – that’s what makes life worth living. You must always be on the lookout for the little bursts of happiness. You can’t expect happiness to last perpetually. It is like the seasons, it comes and goes. You can't always see the leaves fall, or the flowers bloom but you must not miss the opportunity to see, to feel, and to witness when it does occur – that little burst of happiness.

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Don't let go of that tiny moment when you have the opportunity to say hello to the moon as you  walk by it. Don't miss out on that Friday feeling. Take a moment to look at those photo albums you have kept so neatly at the bottom shelf for so many years. Remember the road trips you took, the parties you have thrown, the nights you roamed through random streets in strange cities with friends and watched the sun come up. Smile at the little squirrel or that tiny kitten that crossed your path this morning. Soak in the joy of hearing a child giggle on the other side of the phone. Remember the excitement of the first snowfall. Feel the warmth of the blanket when everything around you is frozen. Recall the excitement of finally watching the movie you had been waiting to watch for so long. The giddiness, when the books you ordered finally arrive at your front door. Hold on to that feeling you had when you put your head on someone’s lap. Don’t forget how you felt when you met someone so dear after so long; when you kissed for the first time; when you quietly sat next to another and felt completely at home. When you realized that they also loved you back.

You must hold on to the tiny delights – you must look forward to them. Life rarely extends a grand gesture of joy that you have been waiting for so long. You may not love forever, you may not have the same friends you once had. Your life is not a constant. Nothing stays. Happiness is not something you can capture in a mason jar and call your own.  But life will give you little pieces of pure ecstasy and you must fill your heart with those pieces until you are brimming with joy.  That’s the only way you’ll ever know what happiness is.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Last Time

Tomorrow I will see her for the last time. For one last game. I have already lost the hand, so what's the harm in playing one more time. I tell myself that she can't rob me of anything more than what she already has. I knew she'd hurt me. When she looked at him like that again. It hurt me before, but I gambled on. The hurt did not come out of jealousy, but more out of betrayal. That a woman you love would choose to adore something knowing that it had caused you so much pain. Perhaps it was more like a test by fate that she failed, or perhaps I did. You see, it wasn't about him. It was about her. I loved her more than I loved him and I believed that she was on my side. But her heart was too fragile to not melt at a few words of spoken poetry, to not giggle at those god awful jokes, and not dream like I once did. And my heart was too fragile to not shatter. That's what happens when you love. Everything becomes so... fragile. One day you are a rational person and suddenly, you are walking along the edge of a knife.

It's always a gamble. Loving someone - anyone. It always comes at a price. Love is exhausting. You eventually run out of fears, and appreciation, and devotion, and tears. You can't - and shouldn't  - keep loving the people who purposefully hurt you.

Don't get me wrong. I am a lover - a gambler - I have just learned enough to gamble elsewhere.

Sunday, November 09, 2014

The Drunkards

Perhaps every relationship is doomed to monotony after a while. Or perhaps some people are just wired a different way. They are cursed to yearn for love and romance even when they've had it. They have the bottomless cup that never fills even if you keep pouring world's finest wines into it.

Drunks should not be paired with sober people. Sober people want more out of life. Drunks just want one thing - one more glass of gin, one more shot of whiskey. They want the same thing over and over again. Just one more. And sober people are not willing to keep a cellar full of just that.  And yet all drunkards are cursed to ask the sobers to fill their cup, and it never really works.  They won't love them back. You just have to find peace with it. Relish in the memory of the sweet taste of heaven, spend your remaining days yearning for the magnificent beauty of the first sighting of the damned wine.  Find time to love and hate and love again, and never truly feel satisfied.

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