Thursday, January 15, 2015

Magic in Life.

I have been dreaming again. You know, the forbidden kind. We are quick to blame the world. Someone - something must have done something that this terrible tragedy happened. Someone must have forbidden it on me to not dream. Something must have happened. I wondered about that for so long.

But really, it was me. I don't remember exactly when, but at some point, I forbade myself to dream. I don't know how but I settled for mediocrity. I took off my rose colored glasses and saw the world as it was and decided that dreaming wasn't worth it anymore. Things weren't going to get any better than they were and living in reality means accepting it. Eyes on the road, feet on the ground. Let's follow the path. Let's not make it. Let's not pretend like someday we'll be flown off our feet. Let's not give love too much thought. It is, but a dream. Let's hope that someone will take pity on us and walk with us for a while, and that would be enough.

The magic in life - the magic that makes you breathe and bleed, it is but an illusion. A child's play. A party trick. But God, almighty God, isn't that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen - ever felt? Dreaming about magic, dreaming about the possibility that you could be better than who you are right now, dreaming about a whiff of happiness. Dreaming that your life could matter. 

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

The New Year.

My year began with laughter – quite unexpectedly. We sat by the fireplace and shared memories and drank hot chocolate. We played board games that we hadn't played in a very long time and became immensely competitive. We shared photos we had taken throughout this year while the snow gently fell outside. We made mom laugh until she cried and took embarrassing photos of dad when he fell asleep on the couch. I made the worst peppermint mocha which everyone drank just to not make me feel bad. I read a little here and there when I had the chance – during early mornings with coffee, late at night with coffee, in between movie marathons, and when everyone took naps. Dylan got me a beautiful necklace and I promised to love him a little more this year.

I sat inside the porch a few nights watching the snow glowing in the moonlight, and wondered about how these moments and this life is so fleeting. Before we realize, it’s all a memory. The year-end and the new year; the fireplace and the snow. If I live long enough, my life would be so terribly different by the end of this year. There are things coming towards me and things I am running away form. There are changes happening everywhere, every moment. I tell myself that I can't always stop the changes but I can hope to do good, and be good. I hope that this year I write my story well.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Books I Read In 2014.

I count my years through my books. This year was tragically sad. I only read a few.

But I'd like to encourage you to post a photo of (or write about) all the books you have read this year, and tag your friends to do the same. Let's see how many books we have read collectively. Perhaps I have read the same as yours. I tag: Katrin, Virkky Mums, Awais, Soumya, Wildflower, Shreya, Wanderer, Launna, Mirage, MominaAfixxion Addixt, The Other Side of Me, Rajesh, and Ellen

Please feel free to take this even if you are not tagged. Don't forget to let me know once you do. Looking forward to it!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

To Breathe One's Last.

I never know what to tell someone who is grieving from the loss of a loved one. How do you make someone feel better when someone they love has died.

No words seem appropriate, no words seem to do the trick. It is almost hopeless at that time. I just don't know what to say... except that I know how it feels, because I lost someone to death as well, heck, I almost lost myself to it once. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

Death is the eternal break up. We fight and we argue and we quarrel and we are bitter, and we hold grudges for years and years, and then suddenly it's all over. And there is nothing we can do about it. Death doesn't consider if someone loves you and they don't want you to go. It doesn't care if you have a million things to do before you are ready. It just takes, until nothing is left. That's probably the most helpless we can be in this world.

But what's amazing is that how easy it is to forget. How easy it is to completely dismiss the idea that any one of the people we hold so dear to us could be gone in the next second. How we can so quickly and eternally lose someone to something so trivial as a heart attack, a traffic accident, a senseless shooting, or even a suicide. To breathe, and not know it is your last.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Somewhere Only We Know.

I have been baking obsessively for the past few days. Cakes, and pies, and cupcakes and scones. My kitchen is full. I don't know what to do with them anymore. I have been keeping myself occupied to do something – anything – to not actually do what I am really supposed to do. But it just doesn't work that way – the more I try to avoid it, the more I am reminded of it.

 Love is not love when it ceases to bring happiness. The wait is making a fist in my heart and slowly hardening it. I am slowly losing my heart – not to someone but to a void. I know things happen in their own time. I know we must be patient. I waited and I waited and all it really did was slowly broke me. And I am afraid that when it really happens – if it happens – my heart won't be there anymore. The magic – gone. And what's the point without magic. Some things – you can't look at them the same way again once they are ruined. Some pieces you can't put back together. Some moments lose their charm before they happen. Our fates are in the hands of the things we love and sometimes those are the very things that destroy us.

There are a million ways I can destroy myself, and then there is love. Tonight I want to break and be consumed with all the things that I know I will not be able to recover from.



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